I’ll Have What He’s Haven!!!

Some of you already know or have heard about Big Jake’s many antics. Today I’m going to share one of his many side kicks that make his adventures sound unreal or even made up. Believe you me, these stories are 100% true. Trust me, I am not that creative. 

The character I will be writing about is Tom Bates, better known as Tom the Tire Man. Because what every small business owner with a major drinking problem needs is another drunk who happens to own a tire business as a side kick. At least I think he owned a tire business. He had a dingy old dented ford truck with shoe polish writing in chicken scratch on the door that read “Bates Tires”. 

Tom always appeared to be hung over, dirty and unshaven. He had very few teeth which made him look like a cartoon drawing of a turtle. That’s it, he looked like a dirty fucking cartoon turtle. Tom was the one guy we all know that would drink warm beer out of a cooler that had been rolling around in there for god knows how many days. Surprisingly, Tom was married, although I never actually saw the lucky lady, I often heard her throaty voice from inside his house which I can only surmise comes from packs of unfiltered cigarettes she sucked down. Tom was always picking up pills for his bride or arguing and cussing at her on the phone about ordering more pills before she completely runs out. You know normal marriage shit!!!

Despite all of this, Tom was Big Jake’s go to guy. Not because of any of his natural abilities and Mensa like intelligence. More because he was faithful. Kind of like a puppy dog that is always there for you. 

One of my first experiences seeing Tom’s tire repair skills was fixing a tire on a wheelbarrow we borrowed on a job site. After working on the tire for what seemed like hours, he proudly rolled it back to me and exclaimed “ I fixed the tire, but don’t USE IT!!!”. Ok Tom, sounds like a very temporary repair. Another time, Big Jake was doing a house demolition and continually blowing up one his loader tires. Tom the tire man found a used tire to replace the old tire and installed it on the loader. Big Jake, satisfied with the newer tire buried the discarded tire on the demolition site, which was common practice for Big Jake. Hours later Tom’s newish tire exploded and shredded to the rim!!! Big Jake immediately dug up his old tire and had Tom reinstall it. What an awesome duo!!! I wished the story stopped here, unfortunately that’s not the case. 

On the many lunch and dinner occasions I got to experience with Tom it basically went the same way each time. Since reading wasn’t his strong point, although he studied the menu like he was taking the SAT, he would always say “I’ll have a burger”. Or on the rare occasion there was no burger to be had, “I’ll have what he’s haven!!!”. Which knowing Tom had no teeth Big Jake would order a steak or the hardest thing he could find for Tom to gum on for hours. That’s what friends are for.

Big Jake once was asked to do a project in Miami for a week and asked Tom to come with which he eagerly accepted. Big Jake told Tom to go home and pack a bag and he would pick him up early the next morning. The next morning Big Jake showed up at Tom’s house and told him to throw his suitcase in the back and hop in. The two worked all day in the Hot Florida sun and rain and checked into their hotel that evening. Big Jake took a shower and came out to find Tom who was wringing out his pants, socks and shirt in the sink in his underwear. Big Jake told him to take a shower and he would take him to nice dinner. Tom took a shower, came out in the same rain soaked underwear and began putting on his nasty wet pants. “Tom why don’t you put on some new clothes out of your suitcase?” Big Jake asked. “I don’t have any clothes in there” Tom answered. The suitcase not only had no clothes, it was completely empty!!! Big Jake “Why?” “I didn’t have time to pack” Tom answered brilliantly!!! “Then why the fuck did you bring the suitcase?” So ultimately the two went shopping for new socks, shirts, pants and underwear for Tom for the week. Maybe Tom’s smarter than I thought. 

Happy Friday to all!!! Peace and Love!!!




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