JB Gets HARD!!! (almost) XXX rated video

 

Fourteen years ago my wife and I started a company where grown ups could live their childhood fantasies and come and experience running heavy construction equipment in a safe environment. Holy shit, I sound like a PR person!!! During this time I was also in peak running shape. And for a fatally obese man looking most comely if I do say myself!!! Hell, who am I kidding, I'm still hot as fuck!!! I digress.....

My wife being the promoter at heart that she is found that a company was looking for heavy equipment operators to be on a game show that they were going to film in mid-November. What better way to  promote our fledgling company than a person that locks up in front of a camera and sounds like he swallowed a fist full of marbles? Just in case there is any confusion, that person was me. With much encouragement from my wife, I/WE applied. We had to have an interview portion for the application as well as some video of me driving equipment and showing some skills. Somehow, despite my horrible on camera presence (see above) I was chosen to be on the show. Must not have been a lot of applicants. I was also selected by New York City to run in their fine marathon through all five boroughs. Turns out the marathon was the week before the filming was to start for the show American Hard Hat in a small town south of Boston MA.

Step one of this epic trip went off without a hitch, in fact i finally was able to break my goal of a sub-four hour marathon after 7 failed attempts. In NY no less!!! By far my favoritest marathon of all time. A day later Sandstram and I traveled to Boston so I could fulfill my destiny of becoming as full blown TV star which eventually would more than likely shot put me into blockbuster films. Being born in the area of  nearby Boston it was my calling "Good Will Hunting" Duhhhhh!!!! 

We met Michelle, the production companies assistant that was in charge of the talent at the airport, where they picked us and another contestant from Texas named Doug. From there we had to go down to City Hall to take a test to become licensed in the state of Massachusetts to run heavy equipment. This was new to me, and even newer to my new friend Doug who knew little about large excavators because he was mainly a country singer and a farmer with some skid steer experience. Somehow we passed with flying colors!!! Off to the hotel to meet the rest of the competitors and say goodbye to Sandstram that Michelle politely kicked to the curb and flew back to Florida. Michelle thought Sandstram would distract the talent. During dinner at the hotel we were introduced to the three other contestants that were all from the Northeast area. There was a young man 21ishh Brett from Rhode Island, an older gentlemen from Cape Cod named Ernie, and This guy and XXX (Steve) from Haverhill MA.

I know, before you even say it, Ex-alcoholic, ex-drug addict and expert operator all actually start with an E. Don't ruin Steve's moment, besides he has XXX in 4 to 6" letters tattooed between his belly button and penis to back it up!!! Also, at 16 seconds you can see me in this video which may be all the show that you'll ever see me in.

Our first meeting did not go the way the producers wanted. The wanted us to be rivals and talk shit about each other, but unfortunately construction workers as a whole seem to have a bond with each other. Probably because no matter how different we are we can relate because of our trade. If they would have put an operator with landscapers, electricians and painters there more than likely would be some drama because let's face it, those trade are dumb fucks!!!  The five of us really got along great and seeing that the producers did all they could to keep us all separated, which is great when your sequestered to your hotel room in South Armpit Ma. The next day, we were all thrown in a van and transported to the set. By set, I mean the ran down Brockton Fairgrounds and Horse Track, which you can also see in the video above.  The producers put us in a ran down building with sheets covering the windows until filming so we couldn't see what was in store for us.  After a few hours we were brought to the first competition, which once again is what you see in the small clip above. We were all given a wheeled skid steer with the task of racing down the track to the finish with the a couple large concrete barriers in the way that would need to be driven over by constructing ramps with some piles of stone provided. Once the Zany host blew his airhorn, we were off!!! Well four of us were off, being in lane one and  looking out the corner of my eye I could see I was tad ahead of Brett and Ernie. Doug in lane four was barely moving and I believe was learning the machine as he went, which was putting him way behind. Triple X, the furthest from me got to the top of the first ramp about the same time as I was going over but decided not to make a down ramp and just basically jumped off the top of his first barrier, somehow avoided flipping the machine and went on his way to the next obstacle. Myself, Brett and Ernie followed close behind in that order. Doug still nowhere to be found!!! The second ramp went much the same, and we all finished with the exception of Doug, who was now stuck at the top of his second barrier. Ernie, seeing that doug was not going to be able to get himself over the barricade got back in his machine and heroically came to his aide by finishing his ramp and pushing over the ramp and to the finish. In my mind the five of us just made TV history. I'm sure my description doesn't do it justice, but for me this was entertaining as Fuck!!! The big wigs from the History Channel that owned the rights to this show seemed amazed as well. The last part of the first competition were the results. Obviously, the loser? Last place contestant went home. What we didn't know is the loser, besides being thrown off the job site also had his hard hat smashed by the hosts. It was a shock to all of us, especially Doug. We all brought our own hard hats to represent our companies. Apparently Doug's hard hat was a family heirloom that had some sentimental value to him which in turn caused the most anger/controversy during the whole show. Doug was ready to punch a bitch!!! With that and the darkness day one had ended.

Day two started much like day one less Doug who was more than likely back home in Texas. we were again brought to our waiting chambers and shortly after brought to the scene of our next game which was mini excavator golf. The four of us were given tiny mini excavators equipped with a garbage can strapped to them, this was the "golf" bag. Inside the can was a regular golf club driver, croquet mallet, a sledge hammer, a four foot 2 by 4 and a roll of duct tape. The rules were: use of  any of the implements' could be fastened to our machines to swing at our golf "soccer" ball to play the hole of golf. I randomly was chosen to go first and quickly decided on the 2 by 4 taped to the bucket would be the best choice for a long drive. My assumption was correct and my competitors copied my lead. after the first shot we were all about even, but XXX was the furthest from the hole so had the honor to go first. He Decided to leave the 2 by 4 on and give it whack!!! Unfortunately, for XXX he was a bit high with his swing and the ball compressed into the ground and only moved a few inches. Obviously, he was not an "X Golfer" because he repeated this swing two more times before he got any real distance and was now lying four and only equal to where we all hit our first shot. Ernie and Brett both hit good shots that put them not to far off the green area and the awaiting hole, which was a buried garbage can. I hit my shot like a boss and ended up on the fringe of the green. Poor XXX day was all but over as he was still struggling to figure out this Xcavator golf thing. All that was left is for our zany host to smash his hard hat and leave us down to three. One last mention on this, I don't really know how the producers would have cut this event down for a one hour show. It took a whole fricking day to actually shoot this game. I could start to tell that the crew knew they were going way over their time frame. We were at day three and had only filmed two events. The game show was supposed to be one day on the job site so the lighting was crucial to them to give that appearance. 

On the fourth day we participated in our third competition. This time we all used one huge excavator with a hydraulic thumb that was parked up on a large hill surrounded by kegs and 55 gallon drums below. About thirty feet away were two twenty yard containers with a ten yard container in between. The object of the game was to pick up the kegs or drums with the excavators thumb one at a time and swing really fast and release the objects into either the twenty yard (1 point) or ten yard (3 point) containers. You know like basketball!!! We all took turns and were given 2 minutes each. Brett drew the short straw and was up first. And let me tell you something, I don't think the mother fucker missed a shot. He was the Michael Jordan of Excavator Basketball!!! I think at the end of his 2 minutes he had like 24 points. Ernie was next, while he was no Brett, he managed to be consistent and managed 14 points. All up to JB. And off I went, and boy was I ever laying a fucking turd. After a minute of not getting one in I was just hoping to at least make one for the people of the South for christs sake!!! With about 50 seconds to go, I somehow adjusted something and the objects were flying in the containers. Ten went in, eleven went in.... time was about over with only seconds I grabbed one more keg and swung around in desperation and let it go and into the ten yard container. It went for THREE, with no time left on the clock!!! I celebrated like I just won a NBA Championship!!! Hey producers bring me my EMMY. That was TV magic!!!  I think in actuality the crew was hoping and checking the clock to see if I actually tied Ernie and if so, what do they do to break the tie?  After some time and debate, it was decided that I did indeed beat the clock and a tie breaker was needed. But guess what, It was now too dark to film so the tie breaker would be settled the next day. I no longer wanted to be a TV star. I just wanted to go home. When the next day finally arrived we learned the rules for the tie breaker. Ernie and I both got one minute to repeat yesterday's task. Ernie up first put up 7 points. This time around I fairly quickly got to five as time moved even quicker. I again attempted to hit a three, to no avail. I would not be the champion and I was about to have my hard hat smashed by the 5'3" tough guy host. The crew has you do an exit interview that, once again tries to make it look like I had beef with Ernie which went over like a lead balloon. I was happy knowing at least now I could go home. But wait, I was told since there were only two contestants left I had to wait until the final competition was shot so nobody knew who actually won. So I basically got to sit in a hotel room for three more days while they filmed this unknowingly at the time show That Never Fucking Aired!!! 

I guess that's the life of of an almost TV Star!!!

Ohhhh Brett Won. $5,000.00 and a Harley Davidson Motorcycle!!!

Ernie and I became fairly good friends, he came down to People At Play when it was still open and worked a weekend. 

I still speak with Triple XXX, Sandstram and the kids have been to his house in Haverhill and he visited with us last year and toured our shop with his girlfriend.

I'll leave you with the polished version Alisa got out of me.

Sorry no autographs. Peace and Love!!!