CONFI- DENSE!!!

 

Confidence: The state of feeling certain about something.  Feeling sure of yourself and your abilities.

Confidence is something that I don’t think I ever really thought about as a youth or young man. The only thoughts and feelings during this period of life were invincibility and thoughts of being bulletproof. Nothing was impossible. Literally, I had the world by the balls!!! The model of confidence I must say.

Slowly over time, this feeling has been changing. As I’ve gotten older, confidence has somewhat been changed to risk, doubts and the F word. No not fuck, even worse, FEAR!!! Go figure, just when I finally feel like I’m in a comfortable place in life, somewhat secure financially, children are doing well and on the path of growth as great human beings, and healthy. I also began to feel vulnerable and out of control at around this same time. Although only the closest to me would have realized any of this, a year or so when these feelings began to surface. During this time panic put me in a bad dark place that I felt I would not escape. The tingling sped up my heart rate, and gave me uncontrollable pain, that made me lie around on the couch in my office most days. Trying my best to avoid others and my problems. Was this the start of losing all confidence? I was showing all the signs. I was uncertain and unsure of myself!!! Only the worst seemed possible, what I now know as catastrophizing.

With the help of family, friends, and therapy the old JB is returning SLOWLY. I capitalize slowly because along the way I have also learned that I’m a hardheaded fuck that just wants this part of my life to be over. But even I’m not that stupid!!! Ohhhh and I’m ultra hard on myself!!! This IS my life. Maybe it’s my new life? Or maybe this is always the way it has been? I don’t fucking know. I’m starting to sound like a philosopher. I see you B!!! Regardless, my confidence is still being questioned by some???

So, how des JB get his groove back? I’ll let you know I’m well into that process and won’t further bore you on how I got where I am today. I will tell you where I am now and where the fuck, I’m ultimately going!!! I’m proudly writing this from a weeklong trip to NY. On this trip I decided to not pack a couple of my security blankets. I usually make sure to carry enough pills for each day in case I have a panic attack. Pills I haven’t used since July 4, 2023, BTW!!! I also recently stopped traveling with rocks in my pockets. Don’t worry I still have plenty in my head!!! These rocks were great for rubbing on when I felt a bit anxious. Now I just admire the pile every morning sitting on bathroom shelf while I get ready for work. Two weeks ago, I hid Facebook and Instagram and can honestly say, I don’t miss that shit at ALL!!!

So, the question do I have confidence??? Fuck Yeah!!! 100% Fuck No!!!

63 to 72% confidence maybe!!!

Do I still have health fears, anxiety, worry about lots of things? Way more than I’m willing to give a percentage to.

Will I end up homeless, but with great abs??? My wife says she won’t let me.

And how does all this make me feel?

Confident that I’m on the right track!!!

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