JB Lets You SEYMOUR!!!

Before I get started, with all due respect, I would like to apologize for last weeks blog. It was obviously not comprehendible to the majority of my multitude of readers and frankly I'm better than that. 

Let's take another walk down memory lane. This time let's visit JB in his formative college days at University Of Southern Mississippi.

I know what you're thinking, how was USM able to corral such a talent to their fine establishment? Well, considering my outstanding 820 SAT there were not a lot of options out there. Shockingly MIT was NOT interested. I did have all the military colleges interested in me though. Don't let my creative writing style and almost perfect SAT score fool you. I also was quite an athlete back in the day. At least in mind I was.

Upon entering the hallowed halls of Southern, I began training to attempt to walk on for my sophomore year of college. My suite mate Al, happened to be a bodybuilder so he was more than happy to help me with this mission. He even offered to let me get on his steroid cycle with him, which I politely declined.  After a semester of hard work and getting in the best physical shape of my life, I was ready to meet with the coaches and give football "the ole college try"!!! The coach that met me showed interest and pretty much gave me a locker for the upcoming season to try out and hopefully make the team. This is when time my short college football career took a sudden turn. The coach explained to me that I was only going to be able to  attend classes until noon and the remainder of the day/evening would be dedicated to football. My freshman year I took 18 hours and was slated for 21 hours for my sophomore year so I could make college a 4 year thing with no summer classes. Football was about to fuck this up!!! As much as wanted to play football again, the realization that after college there was not a future for me with it. That made it an easy decision to let go of my football dreams.  But, I still had dreams!!!

So what do you do when you can't make the football team? Try out to be the team mascot. Of course!!! USM's mascot was the golden eagle and my freshman year they replaced the very serious and angry looking eagle with a zany younger looking eagle named Seymour d'Campus. I eagerly looked at the requirements for trying out as the mascot and signed up for what was sure to be a cake walk. Have you met me? I'm fucking hilarious. Two other losers, errrr other gentlemen also signed up. The cheerleaders asked all three of us to come up with a 5 minute routine that they would watch and judge to come up with a winner. My sisters were both cheerleaders so I felt I somehow that gave me an in and knew what cheerleaders like. I just had to come up with a killer routine. 

On audition day, I was second to go so I got to watch one of my competitors go through his routine which was in my opinion a catastrophe. Nothing planned little to no hijynx or tomfoolery to be seen. I now believe I have a 50/50 chance of getting this gig. On to my turn. In advance to going, I talked one of the cheerleaders into being part of my audition. Basically she would do a 3 or 4 different jumps. I would on first attempt fuck these up royally with a few jumps and falls and hilarity would ensue!!!  lastly, I would flawlessly do all the jumps to the amazement of the crowd. Winner winner Golden Eagle Dinner!!!  Everything went according to plan and boy did I feel great!!! I was on top of the Mascot World!!! 

Then it was the last guys turn. 

Needless to say, he was the mascot basically his entire time at USM. He was for all practical purposes a professional Mascoter??? If that's a thing. This mofo rolls out with a full piano, has people up in the press box running the lights and sound board in the arena and starts lip syncing and playing the piano to Great Balls Of Fire. Holy Fuck was this guy good and boy was I embarrassed. Probably goes with out saying, I did not win. My only hope is that this guy has never felt the warm embrace of a women or man and never graduated from college.  In five short minutes this man had extinguished any chance of competing at any level ever again. I quickly realized that the most I would ever be in college is a plain old student. Oh well, I probably would have never made the Pro Mascot circuit anyway!!!

Love you guys!!!



 

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