Panic Attack (Hypothetical???)

It’s a quiet day at the office, my coworkers have all taken the day off on this Good Friday. I choose to get caught up on work from the long vacation I just returned from earlier in the week. As the early morning moves on, the feeling of anxiousness builds inside of me. Today is not just Good Friday for me, in fact in my mind it’s shitty Friday. It’s a Friday that my subconscious has been thinking about for a whole year. The many constant days of tingling in my hands and arms were by far the worse on this day a year ago. And exactly the time of writing this I was overcome with the a feeling of impending doom and convinced myself that I was having a heart attack. So is it going to happen on this day a year later? And if it does happen to me yet again how am I going to react?

I would be lying if I told you it’s not controlling my emotions today. Even with all the support and tactics I’ve learned to deal with anxiety over the past year it’s definitely difficult. As I type, I feel some faint tingling in my fingers and the familiar stomach and back pains that I’ve come to know as Anxious JB. I tell myself it’s just another day, another Friday. But my subconscious brain is way smarter than the guy that’s typing. Hearts beating faster, tingling increasing, full panic attack is on its way. The fear is real, at least to me, shit it’s happening again. I have been building this up the past few months and the time is here, fight or flight? And let me tell you flight is looking fucking good!!! Being alone is a horrible place for me. When I’m all by self all I have are my thoughts which are often dark and have only bad outcomes. How I long for when I savored the days when I could enjoy quiet time and enjoying spending time with myself. I’m in full panic mode now. What’s it going to be JB?

 I’m a year smarter and have a shit ton more skills and techniques. First, I’m going to use some breathing and body scanning. This helps a bit, but it’s not my best tool. I can use my made up mantra “when in a numb state just remember you’re awesome, healthy and doing great”!!! Damn I’m a good rhymer and starting to feel better. I no longer feel like fleeing, I’m going to face my fear which is another great technique. Don’t run from my fears, I will sit with them like watching a stream full of leaves. The leaves are my fears and I can watch them float right by. Adios fear!!! Using my senses helps too. Three things I can see, three things I hear. Pull out the big guns, the thing that has helped me most and going turn the ship around is something I discovered myself. I simply stare at the video in my office my wife made of her, my children and friends. Seeing the things I truly care about brings me back and gets me out of the panic whirlwind!!!

So, I will make it thru today. No matter what. I’m doing everything right, at least as right as I can today. I’m forever changed and I may never understand why I panicked last year. And that’s ok. Hopefully I will continue to heal, learn and be the best JB I can be.




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