Monday Mediocrity

 

I know what you’re thinking….

JB you mentioned saving Thanksgivings as a teaser last week. Well yes, I did astute audience.

And I meant what I said. While it’s no surprise to you folks that think I hung the Sun that in the past I saved a many a Thanksgivings by diving for pies destined for the open trash can to the extreme energy and happiness that exudes from me during all the holidays!!!

None of that is what I’m speaking of though. I will by saving all future Thanksgivings by running. And by running, I mean I’m throwing my proverbial sombrero, yamaka, baseball and cowboy hat into the ring. You guessed it, I’m running to be the 47th President of these United States. Our motto “Let’s build back and at the same make America mediocre again”. I think this is a good start. After 4 years of mediocrity, we can shoot for make thing just Gooder in my second term.

 

I know what your asking, how in the living fuck is someone that just recently started writing a blog again and only shares it with 2 families and one at least half-brother going to make this happen? I love you Big Concha!!! I also recently had my own son drop this blog like a hot freaking potato!!! Definitely the Eric of our family. Anyhooo…. Here’s the plan:

 

I prefer to call it our “Move Onto Mediocrity” or MOM for short. Hopefully you’re starting to get I fucking heart acronyms!!! And motherfucking apostrophes!!!

 

On my first day in office MOM kicks in:

Choice: I’m for ALL Americans to have choice. If you want to adopt a baby sperm whale, Great!!! If you are against baby sperm whales, That’s ok too. Maybe you’re deathly afraid of the ocean? IDFK!!! This is just one example I could go on, but I CHOOSE not to.

 

Immigration: We will be declaring war on Canada and Mexico. This should solve our immigration problems. Once we have control of the connecting lands, we will start excavating both countries and fill up the original US to a level land mass filling in part of the Pacific all the way to Hawaii. This way all the States will be on equal grounds. I mean seriously, who isn’t tired of seeing all the holes all over the place while flying across the country? OHHHH, and Canada and Mexico will pay for this.

 

College: Speaking of paying: college students this is for you, ohhhh and close your eyes rich fucks or don’t listen to this campaign strategy. College on the high end for 4 years is a staggering $225,000.00. Johns Hopkins University got a donation from some crazy sumbitch of 1.8 BILLION dollars. Damn Ole John and Sloan Kettering could really blaze a shit ton up with that cash!!! Even less known Stony Brook University got 500 million. Not too shabby. Using my incredible math skills and conservatively figure each ultra rich fuck in the US donates 250 million, there are an astonishing 756 billionaires living in the us, that’s 18.9 billion dollars. There are 20 million students in college this year, the average cost for everything on high side 250K or 5 billon dollars. The remaining 14 billion can go to figure out how to make college mediocre again.

 

Gun Control: IF you want to carry a gun, all good. If you don’t, also all good. One wrinkle for our proud citizens that will be carrying. All open carrying citizens will have to settle their disputes like our forefathers. That’s right, a good old fashion Duel. Ironically, this is still legal in Washington and Texas. Who Knew??? I am also for Americans showing their bear arms, or anything else they would like to bear. As well as arming all Bears, except koala bears. Their mean little fuckers!!!

 

Work week: I will change our normal work week to be down to a weekend that funnily enough starts on Wednesday and ends on Thursday. Pay will remain the same. I’m also moving the official Tax Day to February 29th. There will also only be 18 hours in a day, which would make a half day 9 hours mostly because I have OCD with 9’s!!! Deal with it and Fuck the Man!!!

 

Foreign Policy: We will start to treat our allies and enemies in the same Mediocre way that we are aiming to bring ourselves to. We no longer will be giving away Billons of dollars to foreign lands for fighting wars. They can try to get our money the old fashion way by buying scratch offs and putting it all on black!!! I will do my best to have these other countries solve their own problems and arguments first with rock paper scissors. If not, see above gun policy!!!

 

I have more policies that I will share with you fine people as my campaign gains steam. Just know for now I’m for getting every American “A chicken sleeping in a cot and a garage for every jar”!!! and isn’t that what every one of us mediocre fucks truly need?

 

I love you Mericans!!! Thanksgivings are counting on all of you!!! Don’t fuck this up.

 

 

 

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